Past Life

The snow is freshly fallen, connecting this place to every other, blending past and present, enfolding me in the company of one who has come and gone. The colorless shapes through my window are as haunting as my heartache.
Copyright by Diane's Mom 2013

Copyright by Diane’s Mom 2013

I cannot offer an explanation to anyone but the moon. Remember when I wrote:
I told the moon tonight—
the moon so full and bright—
what I wanted to tell you.
It was as though I had,
for you are like the moon,
as constant and changing,
as out of reach.
Others mourn you better. They were a part of your everyday and everywhere. They created memories for sharing without suspicion. I was but a reminder of what had passed, like a whisper, between us.
How could I lose the one I never had?
Romantic love has never made a home with me, has never stayed long enough to unpack its plans and rest assured. It becomes a habit, one life to another, this living with what is undeclared, like a smuggler of illegal hopes.
Now you are gone from this world. The lives you touched are left unresolved and may’ve already begun to move on. I have nowhere to go if you are not with me, even if I have to backtrack a little. Surely, memories haven’t any consequence: a meeting that wasn’t the first; a beautiful wife for you and sister for me; a voice that caressed even as it called me ‘contentious’; a kiss that just missed my mouth for my cheek; a chair that still rocked after sailing the seas for you; a cat that let you spin it into embarrassment; a bump to my head you seemed genuinely concerned about; a song no one knew was just for me.
You stole my heart
hundreds of years ago;
only now can I gladly let you have it;
only now
in the space time makes
before
and after
can I know what I was missing.
I turned from you. I know that is why we never were.  If I had been braver we might’ve spoiled everything.  I was afraid that the noose of loving you might strangle me again, unless I wrote a different version of the story.
Although I still talk to the sky as if that is where you are.
No one can take the moon
from me;
the dark sky can conceal its varying
brightness and
watchfulness
and mockery,
but cannot convince me
it is gone.

img002©Artwork and writing, unless otherwise indicated, are the property of Diane M Denton. Please request permission to reproduce or post elsewhere with a link back to bardessdmdenton. Thank you.

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “Past Life

  1. I also have a courting with the moon’s beauty … nights out are some of my favourite things that God has created for us… though it is the Lord, He alone who can turn our weeping into gladness. He is our real groom… He alone is our lover! I enjoy all your posts 🙂
    The paintings too are so much like our landscapes and bring a smile to my face!

    Like

    • “He alone can turn our weeping into gladness.” Thank you so much for your inspiring comment! Actually what prompted this post was something I read in a lovely Saint book I’ve had for many years:
      ‘In heaven we shall know each other by the glance of the soul.’
      Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton

      Like

  2. Oh Diane, this has really got to me. I can’t even describe how, but although it was so sad, I wanted to have more than there was to read. I think maybe I was searching for a “happy ever after” fairy tale, but at the same time not wanting that. Oh, goodness I am totally rambling here! I am not sure what on earth I am trying to say!

    Suffice then, to say that this is an incredible piece of writing allowing your enormous talent to really shine like the moon.

    And your mum’s painting is just a dream. I could very easily look at this on a wall every day. You are both so full to the brim of wonderful talent
    i am simply blown away.

    I think I may be brave enough to say this is one of my favourite pieces of yours 🙂

    Lots of love and hugs

    Christine xxxxx

    Like

    • I may still be “searching for a ‘happy ever after'”, too, Christine, or at least for a continuation of knowing what will never die in my heart. I have wanted to write this post for a long while – something so personal usually enters my thoughts and perhaps is scribbled out in a journal, but rarely makes it to the sharing stage. Or is buried underneath a fictional narrative as in my novel. That story, in a way, is the same as the one in this post.

      Thank you so much for your lovely words, and for feeling mine with such intensity. I hope that in some way it offered more hope than sadness.

      My mom thanks you too! When I was going through her paintings to find this one I found so many that I will have to share.

      In case you didn’t see it in my reply to the fisher lady above, here is a quote from a Saint Book I have had for many years (it offers a saint for each day with a guidance or wisdom). This was from January 4 and it seemed to open the floodgates for me to write this post:
      ‘In heaven we shall know each other by the glance of the soul.’
      Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton

      Love you with hugs, Diane ♥

      Like

  3. WOW, Diane–this is just so Full, and beautiful; I kind of didn’t want it to end. Hope the New Year is starting well for you–love, Caddo

    Like

    • Oh, Caddo, it is usually hard for me to write so openly personal, but it just flooded out yesterday. I usually try to hide behind my work, but sometimes exposure is good for the heart … and soul. I am going to try to remember that more in this new year as I apply my craft and live the moments. Love you and blessings for all to be well for you in 2013! ♥

      Like

  4. Hi Diane,

    Remember me from blogland? I treasure your visits on fb, please know that and now that the new year has arrived, it’s time for some changes..so, I wanted to visit you and a few others for a brief time. This is beautiful, as your writing always is, and albeit sad, it is very heartfelt and honest. I got a little teary-eyed, but that comes easy these days and I look at it now more as a cleansing moment. Your Mom’s painting is also beautiful and It’s special that you shared her talent with us. I wish you all the love and beauty in this new year, my friend. Love, Hugs and Blessings, Lauren xo

    Like

    • Hi, Lauren. I extend a big huggy welcome back to you! I know this was rather a sad post but I meant it to offer some hope, too – sometimes we really need to move through the sadness, the loss, in order to heal and know that, although it will always be a part of us, it doesn’t mean we can’t go on – that a broken heart can still be a loving one as I know yours is! Our spirits are endless, and the most important thing is to nurture them! Your beautiful words always do. In return, I wish positive changes for healing and happiness for 2013 and beyond. Blessings always, Diane XO ♥

      Like

    • Thank you so much, onwindydays! It is such a complement to know that anything I have offered here has helped to inspire others to write or be creative in any way. I am very honored with the award nomination and hope to acknowledge it here and pass it on very soon. Blessings for 2013 and far beyond!

      Like

  5. Diane, thank you for this quote. It’s quite beautiful and there is hope in it.

    “how could I lose the one I never had?” – this is such a powerful line and one I can relate to so much that it brings back feelings from a million years ago as though it were yesterday. Xx❤xX

    Lots of love

    Christine xxx

    Like

    • Yes, just when we think such feelings are gone … or, at least, far back in the recesses of our ‘past lives’, they are – as it were – reborn. But I always think there is a reason. For me, I think, I can be too stoic, too afraid to open up.

      Thank you again – your appreciation and profound engagement in what I write means so much!

      Love and hugs,
      Diane ♥♥♥

      Like

  6. Diane,

    What a grand job of setting the tone.
    “I cannot offer an explanation to anyone but the moon”

    I felt this! It envelops the reader. Everything about the piece
    captivates from a literary standpoint and from an emotional
    standpoint. It reminds me of Keats’ Beauty and Truth. You
    prove it here!

    You have a wonderful way with words!!

    Sarah

    Like

I welcome your impressions ...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s